Lack of faith

OK, time for a mind dump.  Life has marched right on and I have failed to capture any of it on this blog.  When I last left off, we were waiting patiently (haha) to sell our house and we were starting to think about the details of our big move.  By starting, we had pretty much just set a date that we would quit making commitments here in Spokane.  We have moved in fast forward for the last month and I will try to fill you in.  Two weeks ago, Mike and I traveled to Gig Harbor to get some things settled, hopefully rent a house and find a school for the kids.  I was feeling hopeless and even said to my mom as I was leaving, don't worry about keeping the house nice, it will never sell.  Yep, always so optimistic, I was completely burned out and feeling sorry for myself.  I was feeling like we would never sell our house, we would never find a place to live and the school we were visiting would probably be a poor choice for our kids.  God must have thought I was acting pretty silly.  Or maybe he was up there say, "Selina, just wait and see what I have for you."  I wasn't really listening, so I don't know what he said.  I was just lost in myself.  So, when we got to town, we got a call from our realtor, letting us know we had an offer on our house.  It wasn't an offer we were willing to accept, so we counter offered and went back and forth for a bit, and 10 days ago, we came to mutual agreement on a contract to sell our house.  Praise God.  One big thing accomplished by God.  Feeling a little peace.  When we were searching for a home to rent, we were having a lot of difficulty.  Many of the places we were interested in, would rent almost instantly.  Again, me of little faith, I was thinking we would never find a house.  We visited the school we wanted to send our kids to, and it turned out to be a great fit for our kids.  They offer many activities our kids love, as well as having a strong faith foundation.  We had a great tour and the principal gave us all the right answers to our questions.  Thanks God, there is answer number two.  When we got out of the interview, I checked the craigslist one more time and a house that would work for us had just popped up.  We called right away and waited to hear if we were quick enough.  We really like the location, being just 10 min. from the school and it looked like a quiet neighborhood.  As we were driving around, Mike got a message on his phone.  It was from the school.  Seems they are looking for a science teacher.  I must have mentioned that I was a science teacher during the tour.  They wanted to know if I would apply for the position.  I haven't been in the classroom in eleven years, when I became a stay at home mom, and I never had full time classroom experience.  I prayed about it, and couldn't commit to teaching full time.  I still have baby girl at home, but I considered it if there was a part time position.  When I went back into the school the next day to drop off the kids applications, I talked with the person who had contacted me.  I let her know of my limited experience, and my desire to only work part time.  She said to apply anyway and see what happens.  After I left that time, I got another call, letting me know if I was to get the job, I would teach in the morning and there is possible candidates for the other portion of the position.  I was shocked.  Anyway, I have been praying for God to just open doors, and make it easy if this is the time for me to be in the classroom, and to make it impossible if this is not the time.  I want to do what is best for my kids, and working in their school has always been a desire of mine.  I have an interview next week and I will just see what happens.  So after all this, we did get the house and the timing works out perfect for us to move and have a little overlapping time.  God is good.  He knew He was working it all out, I was just so doubtful and afraid.  I try to learn a little bit more each time He walks me through something like this, but I must be a slow learner in the trusting, and faith portion of my life.  Thankfully God is faithful, even when I am faithless.

 Backyard marshmallow roast

 My man has hops

 Manito Park

 Memorial day camping trip

 Grubby camping face

 Brother is actually really good with his sisters

 Getting ready to try some fishing

The Kelly men fishing

May, beautiful May

I love May.  When the weather cooperates, it is the most beautiful time of year.  We all feel like we are emerging from our den where we have been hibernating all winter.  The kids spend hours in the yard, and we finally get to utilize the beautiful parks our city provides.  I love this month.  We have had unseasonably warm weather this past week and I have been soaking it in, spending every spare minute outside.  God is reminding us that even the ugly, cold seasons pass and beauty emerges.  I am trying to remember that in our life right now.  Mike has been working two territories since March.  He has control over his old territory, and he has taken over his new one.  This results is him being gone all week and only home on the weekends.  It is a new and trying time for us.  I remind myself every day that the reason we are doing this is so we can live in an area that will allow him to be home every night.  Sometimes though, that gets lost and I feel like this "season" will last forever.  We have had our house on the market for 2 months.  We have had regular showings, so the house must always be ready to show.  With 5 very busy kids, it feels like my life is in a constant state of frustration, walking behind my living mess makers.  They are amazing at the ability to completely destroy a room, house, yard in the time it takes me to turn around.  I love them so much, and I know they get tired of me constantly saying, don't touch that wall, pick up after yourselves, don't put your feet on the windows.  Sometimes I just start giggling because it is so crazy what damage they can do.  I can't wait until our house is sold and I don't have to feel this way anymore.  It is also testing whether or not I truly believe what I say, when I say, God is in control.  I know he is, but I get overwhelmed by the details, I feel like I have the faith of a feather.  I pray constantly for God to take away my doubt and fear and give me just a tiny bit of faith that ALL things work together for good for those who love Him.  I am realizing how frail and weak I truly am.
Ok done feeling sorry for myself.  I am loving this season in life with the kids.  They are getting so grown up and I am seeing the people they are becoming.  God is so good.  He gave me these precious babies, and on this Mother's Day weekend, I am feeling so blessed.  I love them and I love being a mom.  All the rest of the stuff kind of fades when I remember that.  So thank you God for giving me these crazy little people to hang out with and love and watch turn into the adults You are making them into.
I am heading to the dark side of the state with Mike in about a week to find a place to live and visit a new school for the kids.  I pray God's plan is laid out and we are able to just finalize some things while we are there.  Please pray with me for that.

 Warming up for Bloomsday

 Lunch in the sun and Grace was really into her sandwich

 Watching the parade go by

 Brandt playing his trumpet in his first parade.  It was so fun to go and watch him.

 My silly girls

 Isn't she healing nicely?  She likes to scrunch her nose.

 Showing some "character"

 Love these two

 Holden playing some soccer

 And Wyatt playing some soccer

Post Bloomsday picture

Is it summer yet?

I am sitting on my back patio, listening to my sweet hubby run the weed eater around the yard, watching Ainsley dance around and find nine hundred things to do all at the same time, and hearing my middle boys building a lego creation together peacefully.  Could it really get much better than this?  I love being outside.  I love the peace and calmness that comes over me when I have a moment to just sit and enjoy the world around me.  Ok, so it is a bit loud now, because Mike is right next to me with the weed eater.  Oh well.
Baby girl has successfully had her palate repaired.  The doctor came out and said it went perfect.  Pretty great words to hear from a doctor.  For the last two weeks she has healed.  When she first came out of surgery, she was very angry.  I guess the anesthesiologist got the look of death when she first woke up.  She was in a lot of pain.  She was glued to me for the first 24 hours.  We were able to manage her pain with very minimal drugs, and she started eating and drinking right away, so we were able to go home the next day.  Her mouth looked like hamburger, but I guess that is what they were going for.  When we got home, she was very selective in what she wanted to eat, but kept asking for crackers.  She is still on cracker restriction until next week, so I have had to disappoint her many times.  Crackers and cereal are her favorites, and they don't fall within the soft foods diet she is on until next Tuesday.  I am sure it is not the last time I will disappoint her.  The doctor was very happy when we went in to see her Tuesday and confirmed that she is healing very nicely.  She has been such a trooper.  Like I said, she was angry in the beginning, but she has come back nicely.  I always have a fear that the procedure with alter her sweet little personality, but praise God, it is only a temporary change.  She is very spicy, but she was spicy before.  She knows what she likes and she knows how to get it.  She has acquired a very loud squeal thanks to the surgery and it has become a very valuable tool for her to get our attention.  So many times she is practicing sounds with her new palate, and it reminds me of the babies as they are starting to babble.  It is so cute.
The rest of the fam is good.  We are gearing up for Bloomsday.  Fun day for all.  We are also planning on taking a trip over to the dark side to visit schools and start deciding where we are going to live.  We are still sitting on our house here.  We haven't had anyone offer to take it off our hands yet, but we are trusting God has a plan.  We have had a good stream of people looking, so it must look good online.  If you have anyone that would be interested in a house in Spokane, let me know.  We have set a date for ourselves to end our commitments here.  We continued to make plans, knowing we have to move sometime, but putting it off.  We will finish with the kids activities on June 18th, with a trip back over for hoopfest.  Life is scary, but I know God is walking with us, and His plans are marvelous.  I will repeat over and over again that I trust in Him, and I know He has a plan.  I want my family together.  I want my husband to see his kids on a regular basis.  I want a husband that is a part of our life.  I know it will work out, but I am getting a bit overwhelmed with the details.

 Not a great pic, but she loved wearing the goggles around.  So silly.

 I am swollen, but still adorable covered in stuffed animals.

 This is how I roll when Mom and Dad run.

 Oh yeah, both fell asleep that day.

 Love my men in church, worshiping and learning together.

 Happy 9th birthday Holden.

 All drugged up before surgery.

 Swollen face, but adorable in Ainsley's ears.

 I personally think the arm splints are their own little piece of torture.  She learned last time how to break free, so they don't last long.  

 Jen, Mike and I finished a half marathon last weekend.  Loved it and had so much fun.

And baby girl loves being outside, just like her siblings.  The weather agrees with her.  Her smile is amazing and I can't believe how much it has changed in the six and a half months she has been home.  We love our little spark plug.  

Another month

Wow has life been crazy, blah blah blah (Hotel Transylvania reference).  It is the same story every time I sit down to write.  Where has the time gone?  How could it already be the middle of April?  What have we been doing to make the days go by so fast?  Well, the answer to the last question is quite simply, keeping up with 5 kids.  Four kids were busy.  We had a lot of activities, and we had a lot to do around the house.  When number 5 entered, it took the busyness up exponentially.  I am finally starting to get a routine and a system, but it has take the full 6 months since we came home.  That's right, six months.  We are six months home with our sweet princess.  We just passed our 6 month home study, and our social worker was very happy with how she is adjusting.  It is really funny, because both Mike and I just scratch our heads at the necessity of these home visits.  She feels like our baby, just as much as any of the others.  It seems weird to have to visit with our social worker so often, when no one ever follows up after a child's birth with biological parents.  Maybe they should, but that is  a political and emotional road I am not going down today.  I just think it is neat how God has worked in our hearts and baby girl's heart to fit us together so completely.  I love adoption and all it is teaching me and showing me is possible.  I am started to get a stirring in my heart that there is more that I can do.  I know I will be praying about it and I know God will show me, but I am blown away by all adoption has done in my life, and I can't keep it to myself and I can't pretend that I am the same as I was six months, one year, even a year and a half ago when we first started the process of adoption.  I am excited and scared to see where this leads me.
We are having a glorious time keeping our house show ready and on the market.  We are getting a slow but steady stream of lookers, and we are feeling more and more comfortable with the fact that God is in control of even this.  I have a routine I go through every morning to make sure the house is ready in case I can't come back before it needs to be shown.  I have to set an alarm for the first time in forever so I can get everything done before we have to head out the door to school.  The kids are getting older, and don't wake up the second they hear me moving about.  I have been able to get myself ready, and start breakfast and lunches before I hear the first stirrings from upstairs.  That probably means I could set my alarm for a little earlier and actually get my run done in the morning, but wait, I hate early morning.  Guess I will see if I can get myself motivated.  Last night I was so tired, Brandt told me I needed to go to bed.  And that was at 8:00.
Tomorrow is Grace's second surgery.  She will be having the roof of her mouth, or palate, repaired.  After the repair is healed, she should be able to start talking.  She is desperate to let us know what she wants.  She is a sponge when it comes to learning signs, and she is amazing at remembering and using them.  We are so impressed with how smart and well adjusted she is.  It kind of throws the baby Einstein theory out the window.  She has caught up in so many ways, I just sit and watch her sometimes.  She loves her sister and is constantly following her around.  Big sister is so good with her, most of the time.  When big sis is gone, Grace goes around signing her sister sign.  She likes to know where her people are.  She asks all the time where Daddy is, and seems to accept it when I say he is at work.  She is so much a part of our family, it is like she has always been with us.
Ok, so we spent a great spring break in Seattle and at my sister's house.  I enjoyed my time away, not having to worry about keeping the house perfect.  It is also nice to be back home.  We are going to enjoy our time left here.  It is going by too quickly.

 Wyatt's 7th Birthday

 Ferry ride from Bainbridge Island.  The kids loved it.

 Ainsley holding her new baby cousin, Menolly

 Grace enjoyed dyeing Easter eggs

 The big boys were so good at helping Grace find Easter eggs

 Easter egg hunt at the park

 Family Easter picture

 Grace loves the swing

 Fun park time

 Bremerton

 Point Defiance Zoo

Happy Spring

Hello all,
I am finally taking a couple of minutes to sit at the computer.  It has been very neglected for the last month, because we have been very busy around here.  We have worked against all odds and five children to finally get our house on the market.  It has been listed for 1 week and 3 days and we have had 3 families look at it.  The realtors seem to think it shows well, so we are going to just sit and wait for a bit.  I know God has this part of the plan figured out already, and I am praying daily for the faith to believe that.  I have been struggling with my unbelief lately.  We have seen God's hand working during this time, and I still can't believe that he would have it all worked out for his Glory already.  I am clinging to this belief that He doesn't know what he is doing.  I get scared and anxious and stressed out, knowing that I should be walking in faith and trusting that God's plan for us is perfect and is worked out already.  Why am I so quick to carry this burden, pretending that I have any control at all?  Maybe that is what the problem is.  I may have control freak tendencies.  Um, OK I will be honest, I like to be in control.  I like to know how we are going to get from point A to point B, and C and D and E, and well, you get the picture.  I don't know how to just hang loose and go with the flow.  God may be doing this for a reason.  Could it be, He would like me to learn to trust Him?  When I am telling the kids about God and how amazing He is, and that He has a plan for their life, am I being the world's biggest hypocrite?  I am so glad I am saved by grace and not by works.  What a mess I am, but what a glorious God I serve.  I am rejoicing in that knowledge tonight.
As far as how life is going, well, it is going.  We try to stay as busy as possibly in order to avoid being home.  It is much easier to keep a house clean when you are not in it.  So, we take drives and sit in parking lots, and watch many practices and games and gymnastics and dance.  I look for any excuse to jump in the car.  I can't wait until our house sells so we can start living in our house again.  So far the kids have been pretty good about helping out.  What I really mean is, they haven't torn it down yet.  I have to gently remind them regularly to keep their fingers and mouths off the walls and windows.  We also moved our table out of the kitchen to help maintain the newly refinished hardwood floors.  Because of that, we have picnics at every meal.  Here is Ainsley enjoying breakfast on the floor.  Good thing we are still young, and can all get up off the floor when the meal is over.

 Because we have to have our house ready to show, we were taking down Grace's portable crib every morning and then after her nap.  It was really a hassle to put it back up when Grace was ready to go to bed, so I just decided to move her to her big girl bed.  As you can see, she seems to do just fine on it.  This was her first nap in her big girl bed.

 Ainsley turned 5 last week.  Not sure where the time has gone, but it is so fun having a little girl, and watching her grow up.  I am so blessed to have two.  Ainsley, Grace and I joined two other mother/daughter pairs for a trip to the American Girl Doll store at the Alderwood mall.  It was so fun.  Ainsley added to her collection and had a wonderful time with the girls.  We also took her to dinner when we were back home and Grandma was able to join us.  Ainsley had a great day.

 Mike and I haven't seen each other much these last few weeks.  He is gone a lot more than normal right now, so when Grace's palate surgery got canceled because she had a cold, we took advantage of a free day.  We started out with a coffee date.  I just love Grace's pigtails.  We think her surgery will be rescheduled for sometime in late April.

 Auntie Gaye got Grace the cutest sunglasses, and I think she wears them very well :).

 On Sunday, we had to kill some time, so we went to the local outdoor show.  All four of the big kids and their dad lined up for an electronic skeet shoot.  It was so cute to watch each of them wielding a gun, even the princess down at the end.  Brandt was our sharpshooter for the game.

Life continues to move on.  We are waiting anxiously for our house to sell, but in the mean time, we are just living, and watching our kids grow and change.  We are blessed by amazing, thoughtful friends, and we are going to miss them so much.  I think I am beginning to accept the fact that we are moving, but I do manage to slip back into denial when I need to.